shadows cast

For once it’s the blue of the sky and not the blue of being. It’s the green of spring and not the green of envy, though I have a stockpile of that ready to go. The yard is flooded with nature’s disarray, grass and weeds and the trees dressing for the weather, sunshine between storms right on schedule. Shadows cast from wrecked wicker and rusted steel stretch towards the street, the chain link fence and new growth pitching patterns across the sidewalk. I imagine if I had the words, and even for a fleeting moment, it is not enough. 

I prefer the rain to the sunshine. I favor the night over the day. I got a lot of problems, but who’s counting? Out of it for so long, I am never quite sure what it even is. Maybe it’s a style, maybe it’s a fad, maybe it is the whole damn wheel of the world minus the natural I have missed. The stars make their rounds, the moon does her shtick, all the hopes of love and connection dashed so long ago that it’s no wonder I wound up this way. The night is here, the day long gone, and I’m not crazy about either circumstance. Hold still and it all repeats itself. Hold still long enough and even your stillness is gone.

Inside I go through the nightly dailies, the shave and shower, this stupid blog. Everything is locked and labeled. Everything is put away in more or less its place. I slouch into a chair, slumping over with a sigh. Put away with the rest of the ephemera, caged up like any other vague contagion, the clock is down for the count. Easy to stay put when there is no place left to go. Easy to plunk down anywhere when the house you hole up in no longer feels like home. I put away all the dreams I had, try not to think of the ones I wanted, the ones that wanted me and stopped. The shadow of the earth stands up straight, another day all but done, so much more losing left to do.